It's been a while since I've written. My life is in a whirlwind, and I have yet to find my balance. It might be a while until I do. Becoming ok with that is a hard lesson. Because it means incorporating all of the things I've been learning - and preaching - along the way.
Self-doubt winks over my shoulder like a tornado waiting to burst. I breathe and meditate to somehow keep it in check, all the while knowing that keeping it in check is not exactly the best way to go about dealing with it. Keeping things in check is the way I've lived most of my life.
Hold it together.
Well, holding it together isn't working.
This is about trust. Trust as a practice. Trust that everything is working out as it should. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is what I have always believed. But which, in small, tortuous day to day events, can feel almost impossible to accept.
I am being led to confront people that I have avoided for years. I am being led to bury old hatchets - hatchets that I had forgotten I even had in the back of my spiritual closet - and move on. I have seriously ill friends who gift me with messages of what truly is important.
I am being led to rethink how I live, think, and act. I am having moments of crystal clarity. I always thought those moments were supposed to be beautiful and enlightening. But sometimes, those moments are just reckoning with what was full-on denial.
This blog has always been about sharing who I am and where I am.
I am in an uncomfortable place. I feel challenged and unsettled. I find myself wanting to handle all the things coming at me right now like a car that has accidentally hit the shoulder hard - if I just hold on to the steering wheel and force it, I'll get the thing back on the pavement.
Only right now, I don't think I'm driving, which makes for a more wild ride.
So the only thing I can do is trust.
Trust that the Spirit in which I place my soul understands and leads.
Trust that I don't have to fake it.
Trust that I will understand the guidance I receive as I receive it.
Trust that life will work out.
I don't have a magic formula or sentence at the end of this post to make it all come together. It's just not in me right now. But I will say this: we all go through this stuff. It comes at us in cycles, and we're left to understand the deeper meaning.
But that all comes later.
When we go through it, all we can do is go through it. We can't go around it. Which can leave is at odd ends with just about everything.
It's all guidance. Guidance to bring us to where we need to be. Slipping and falling is part of the process of living. So if you slip, don't think it's the end.
Because most likely? It's the beginning of something coming out of the pain. And that beginning is your truth.